“Young and stupid”. Many has been the night that I tried to recite this mantra to myself in fits of self-awareness.
“Remember, you are young and stupid,” I’d silently repeat to myself, “so goddamn young.” When I first started saying this to myself, it was almost a personal call to arms. I had grown weary of what I thought to be my ignorant youth, a time spent behind closed doors and impenetrable masks. My trusty coping mechanisms – lies and deceit – which once shielded me from pain and embarrassment, had ended up cutting me off from the world around me. I was now ready and ravenous for new and foreign experiences.
But I left myself far too open, and I became lost in the woods of my own social decadence. It was then that my mantra transformed into a self-pitying whimper, a defeated cry of surrender. I told myself again and again how young and stupid I was, and thus I convinced myself of my own impotence. In a very real sense, I felt that I was finished.
No longer. Tonight I went for a walk. The weather was cool and crisp, my music soft and comforting. The amphetamines in my veins sharpening my mind. The ambience was perfect for reflection.
And so I thought about the last eighteen months, and all the sloppy, horrific wonders that I have come to know. In that time, I lost my virginity to a landlady eight years my senior. I had been punched in the chest by my now brother-in-law. For the first time in my life, I had said the words “I love you” to a girl and meant it. I’d started smoking and quit. I’d slept with two girls in one night. I saw my sister get married.
After reflecting upon all that I had accomplished in such a short span, I came to realize that I finally understood this mantra. It is not a shield to hide behind when plumbing the depths of depravity. It is not an insult to be self-applied when feeling depravity’s doubled edge. And it is certainly not a cliche to be bandied about by those who aspire to be jaded.
“Young and stupid” is simply this: a calm and jubilant realization that there are far more wonders to be seen and lessons to be learned in this life, and that one should be both clever enough to realize this and stupid enough to keep studying.
Sorry to define a cliche with sentimental treacle. It doesn’t make it any less of a goddamn epiphany.
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