Realization

I remember feeling happy, and I remember the day I felt the corporeal happiness in me leave my body. I looked at the world on a whole, and it’s not that anyone deserves to be happy, and it’s not that anyone deserves to feel pain, it’s just a fact some of us do, and some of us don’t. There is no such thing as karma.I feel like the older you get, the less ignorance you hold(in which case if you’re just a fucking idiot, your happiness is accounted for), and the world can seem really bleak without that candy coat. I also think that just means you have to be really creative to capture moments of happiness.

Once you stop trying to cling to finding old feelings again, it’s really liberating. I hope that in the loss of old happiness, new happiness might grow. I don’t know what it would feel like, and I don’t like new things, but recapturing a moment, sometimes ruins it entirely.

My psych teacher brought up a fleeting point that people with IBS/and or cutting may also suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. However I’ve met many other people who have IBS and they deal with it a lot better than I do, and it is an extremely small association to BPD, but it seems to fit for me. I think knowing that helps me stop myself from being desperate.

I’ve started meditating. It’s done little thus far, but I see room for improvement, it’s hard because I am very jittery. I’m also painting again. All this said, I have never been more sure, happiness is something that happens to some people, and sadness is something that happens to all people.

Speeding Cars by Imogean Heap reminds me of when I lost feeling happy. I think I’ll be ok with this next chapter though. I’m saving up my money to go India over the summer, which my parent’s said they would pay for it(bc it’s with a volunteer group) but I kind of want to pay for it myself. I feel inspired painting-wise, and the ideas I’m having are less like my other ones and they seem worth exploring. I’m excited to see how this will fuel my paintings.