Last night was an eye opener for me. Realizations come at random times. I went out to party and ended the night with the hardest hitting epiphany I’ve had.
I’m done. I have no interest in raving anymore. The scene is dirty, drug filled and time consuming. The Haiti incident is the equivalent of 1 night of raving. I love the people. I love the music. I hate the scene. I can’t do it again.
Special D was amazing, I’ve been wanting to see him for years, and I finally did, and I am happy. Now I can close the book and say fuck the scene until I’m rich and can throw my own shitty parties.
No more all nighters, no more binges. I won’t feed reason to an unjustified cause. Its an escape. I’m tired of escaping. I’m tired of running from my problems and hiding behind bright lights, loud music, and pills.
I start school Tuesday. I can’t wait, I really can’t. Its going to be the fresh start I need. An excuse to disappear from everyone. I just need to figure out my living situation, thats the most important part. Once I have a place to live I can find work close to it and keep up in school. I’ll be fine. I just can’t do this anymore. I drag myself down to the level of bullshit excuses for why I’m fucking up, when really I’m the cause. I’m the reason my life is the way it is. Yeah, other people might have influenced my decisions, but I pulled the trigger on a lot of it.
Its time for a clean slate. Solidarity on the inside. Its time for me to prove I’m not a useless peon. I have a purpose. I have dreams. I have goals. I have drive. I am me.
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