My husband told me he feels like he is living with two people: one who loves him and cares about him and one who hates him.
I guess I feel the same way sometimes. I feel like he hates me when he gets high and turns his phone off. But I know he loves me… because I am sitting in a warm house with food that he works very hard to pay for.
And I love my husband. It is cocaine I hate. It has made my heart as raw and tender as his sinuses. It has cost me more than just cash, it cost me the most valuable thing I had in life: feeling safe and protected with the man I married… knowing that nothing could go wrong as long as he was with me. I thought I knew him completely, only to find out there was so much I didn’t know. Life was not perfect before cocaine, but I miss it. Cocaine has stolen a lot from both of us… it has taken our laughter, our thoughts, our worries, our sleep, our peace of mind and our affection for each other.
Every relapse fills me with emptiness… and puts me right back in time to a place I do not want to go. I have had rages that have ruined our door frames and a few inanimate objects. I have had crying jags over nothing, out of nowhere.
I have felt both numb and suicidal. I have actually cut myself. My right arm looks horrible. I probably need help too. I have a lot of the symptoms of PTSD.
The last relapse just upset me so badly I have been having horrible nightmares. I just cannot sleep… and when I do I am very jumpy… he says lay off the coffee, but I have never been this way before… so depressed and distracted and anxious. I do not like the paranoid person I have become. I live wondering when and if it will ever really be OVER… and if not, how long can I do this? Or more importantly, HOW CAN I FIX IT? Unfortunately, I can’t fix it and I know it.
I look at my hand and the absence of that ring perfectly reflects how I feel. I look at our wedding picture and wonder what happened to those kids? They had so much promise and love for each other. I wish I could just go back in time and talk to them for five minutes. A lot changes in 23 years. A lot. But real love doesn’t change… it may ebb and flow, but it never goes away. I look at the groom in that wedding picture and miss him. I look at the bride and blame her. I can’t help it.
I try not to be suspicious of him. He is going to NA meetings of his own free will. I honestly believe THIS TIME he “gets” what it is doing to him and his family. But this morning we had an argument and I was certain I had just pushed him right back into using. I was honestly afraid to call him… afraid of him having his phone off or hearing his voice and knowing I was right. So I guess that is where I am at. Waiting on the other shoe to drop and praying it won’t.
I feel responsible for the argument… I feel responsible for a lot of it… I have taken out my frustration on him, when it isn’t HIM I am angry at. It is the situation. I want him to be happy. I want him to hate cocaine too. I want those rings back on our hands for all the right reasons.
No comments:
Post a Comment