The scales of just is ;-)

Don’t you watch your weight? ‘I don’t have to, everyone else does it for me’ I replied.  That was a few years ago now, but being a woman ‘weight’ and size has always pretty much preoccupied my psyche.  So I could have just pressed the ‘checkout’ button…but I didn’t.  Oh no.  Patience isn’t the greatest of my many virtues.  I just couldn’t wait the 5 days or more for delivery of the magic pills of sveltness, that was going to have me fitting into that waspish, waist enhancing satin basque that has been in my lingerie drawer for several months now….UNWORN,  in no time at all.   Of course, with a little effort on my part.  That is, the effort that it takes for me to keep my mouth closed in the vicinity of delicious food and even more delicious and quaffable wine!

My legs are the problem.  Yes…no.1 is that they are most definitely not long enough…..another 10 inches would suffice.  Actually, I’d settle for 6.  Which is about the only time you’d hear me say that I’d settle for 6inches in preference to 10!!   and no.2 is the fact that they don’t work.

Well the hips are fine.  They’re damn wonderful to be honest.  Fat laden lady hips….full of marshmallow and love handles that a cowboy on a bucking bronco would be pleased to feel.  Come to think of it….I quite like the vision of a cowboy at my rear, as long as he’d remembered to remove his chaps and spurs, but i’d allow him to keep his hat on    Trouble is, i’d think of  Billy Ray Cyrus singing ‘Achey Breaky Heart’…God how i HATE that song.  ( AND, to add insult to injury, it mentions my name in the middle of it);

Oh tell your Aunt Louise, tell anything you please

Myself already knows that I’m okay

Oh you can tell my eyes to watch out for my mind

It might be walking out on me today

But don’t tell my heart, my achy breaky heart I just don’t think it’d understand And if you tell my heart, my achy breaky heart He might blow up and kill this man

So, my legs….SOD THE LEGS!  ISN’T HE DAMN FINE!!!!

Right, back to the story   My legs.  So, I’m having a few problems with my legs…..again.  Unlike most people, I can’t just take myself off a couple of miles walk every day for a bit of excercise.  So that word ‘excercise’ doesn’t exactly fit too well in my vocabulary……  I shy away from it whenever possible, unless of course its a horizontal kind.  No wonder I have pretty good eyes and eyelashes (for my age)…they’re always asleep and well rested and ready for lots of excercise in the form of fluttering.  Very useful for gaining extra chocolate flakes in your 99 ice cream cones.  Well anything helps once you are post 25

In the past few months i’ve had rather too many extra flakes in my ice creams, and well, rather too many ice creams really.  Sitting about has taken its toll on my fat bum and as I can’t excercise ‘properly’ i thought that i would try the new weight loss tablets ‘ALLI’.  I’ve read about them, done my research and carefully considered them before deciding to take the plunge and purge myself of all fats.  Because thats essentially what it does……  I know that it has reported side effects which aren’t very nice, BUT if you don’t eat the fat, then you don’t have the problem…..simple!

I’m pretty good most days anyway.  I’m careful what I eat…I would say that i’m a ‘considered’ eater.  I don’t eat things for the sake of it….with the exception of malt loaf, rowntrees fruit gums, turkish delight. Those I would eat till i’m sick (Excellent diet food then!)    So, I didn’t press the ‘checkout’ button on Boots the Chemist website, I decided that I would go there instead.  Oh, BIG MISTAKE.

(When purchasing on the website you are requested to input your height and weight details, and details of any medication currently taken.  Important to note for later!)

Its embarrassing enough to decide to take these tablets.  To feel enough of a failure as it is, but to then walk into a large store and purchase them over the counter is akin to the red faced embarrasment of a teenager buying condoms or sending a man to buy tampons.  Okay, some would be okay with it, but many aren’t.  I’m not.  But my lack of patience got the better of me.    I perused the store and placed several items in my basket; a new body buff puff (absolutely essential!) deodorant, shampoo, and vitamin tablets……before advancing to the ‘diet products’ aisle.

I spotted the ‘ALLI’ and gingerly took down a sealed package from the top shelf, in the hope than no one saw me.  Feeling very guilty, like I was removing a porn magazine from the top shelf in the newsagent (not that i would know what that felt like……..).  I snuck it in my basket and managed to cover up the package, and the accompanying book, with the array of items already in my basket.  I wandered to the checkout.  Once there, the eagle eyed assistant noticed the glowing ‘fat cow’ packet in my basket, and said ‘can’t serve you with that here….you need to go to pharmacy’  !!!!!!!   So, red faced, I had to turn around and face the queue and make my way, hobbling with my stick and my basket along to ‘Pharmacy’

Now the real fun begins………

I read the back of the packaging and it states (amongst other things) that in order to take Alli, that for my height (5ft 2) that you must be above 10st 13lbs….which I am.  Good so far.  Then I give the basket to the assistant, who in turn gives it to the pharmacist.   A man, in his 40’s slightly pot bellied himself, and a jobsworth.  ‘Erm, do you know what your BMI is, as it needs to be over 28′ he asks me.   ‘no, sorry I don’t’ i replied, ‘although, I’m 5ft 2, and i’m just under 13 stones, so I’m sure its over 28….maybe 33 ish?’  I said.    He looks, quizzically.   ‘Are you on any medication?’  he says…..  I reeled off several names of medications, all of which I already knew weren’t contra indicated to the use of this drug….I HAD done my research.  ‘Okay….i’m just going to get some money, and i need you to come with me as i need to check’   he said.     Check what??????????    I followed him like a little sheep, hobbling behind.    He takes me to a large set of electronic scales.  I assume that he’s just going to insert the money and input my weight and height and it will give him the BMI reading that he talked about…..but no.   He said ‘well’

!!!!!!!!!!!  WELL WHAT?  YOU DON’T SERIOUSLY THINK I’M GETTING ON SCALES IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORE DO YOU????   and he DID!  He said ‘well if you don’t, I’m not selling you the product’ !!!!   And I am FUCKING livid!

How dare he!!!

I said to him ‘but I could have bought this online…it doesn’t ask your BMI online?’  and he argued with me that it did!!   ‘Erm, no it doesn’t'   It does ask your weight and height, but thats all.  I’d been straight with him and already told him that, but to ask me to get on weighing scales in the middle of a store was SO embarrassing.  As was him then making a scene and refusing to sell me the item.

I’m an articulate 48 year old woman that has enough problems already with self image, not only through weight, but with having to use a walking stick.  Being put through something  so demaeaning during a regular shopping trip would make me very wary again.

Maybe I best stay like I am and don my ‘wench’ outfit and get to line dancing classes (never!)…that basque is going to be damn wenchy if i get in it now….my cup will certainly runneth over!!!

Right, think I’m in need of a holiday to re balance me……Texas, cowboys & rodeos might just have the edge over New York shopping